In the Book of Romans, the Apostle Paul tells the church at Rome that we mere mortals don't know how to pray as we ought, but the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. I infer from this that as Christians, if we don't know how to pray for something, then we ask the Holy Spirit to intercede for us. For over a month now, I have been asking the Holy Spirit to intercede on my behalf and that of another person. After several weeks, I had a sort of epiphany about what to pray for. I began to see that I was not fighting against flesh, but against powers and prinicipalities. This is also a metaphor from Scripture. I take it to mean I am up against supernatural powers that are not of God. This is very hard work. It is exhausting, and has cost me a good amount of sleep. During weak moments, I wonder if this endeavor is worth it, or if I am accomplishing anything (Actually, it is God who is doing the work, but I wonder how much longer this can go on. Would God direct me to do this if it isn't doing any good?).
So let's examine just what God and I are trying to do: there is a kind, compassionate person who needs Jesus. There is cynicism against organized religion, but respect for the work and person of Jesus. My friend has a tremendous "God-shaped void" inside him (as we all do). My prayer has been that he would become conscious of this void, and realize the things he does to try to fill it bring as much emptiness as as the empty void itself. The void in our souls that is shaped like God is kind of like a sieve. Everything but the Almighty Himself filters out like sand, and leaves us even more empty. I pray that God will make him so miserable and sleep-deprived that he has to throw up the white flag of surrender. I guess some of this is getting visited back on me. Maybe that's why I stay sick at stomach, can't sleep, etc. myself.
I also have to deal making sure that my motives are pure. See, my friend has evoked some tender feelings that have really muddled things up. I have fallen for him. So I am very tempted to pray, "please God, make him mine!" I have been waiting for God to send me my soul mate for a very long time. Recently, I began to pray very specifically for him to be brought into my life. I try to pray for this separately from my intercessions for my friend. And I am of two minds about this whole thing: I tell God that I want His perfect will to be accomplished in both of our lives, whether together or seperately. But I still want what I want. I want US. And a very large part of me will take this man on whatever terms I could get him, if on ANY terms (I am aware that this sort of thing has to be mutual, and don't know if it is.) Is he ready to be with just one woman? Will he ever want to with me? Can I be happy being "just friends"? I guess I have to be content with that right now. So I guess my prayer is that God would deepen our friendship. And that my friend will come to a saving knowledge of the Lord Jesus, whether I am in his life or not. But here's praying that I will be! Yours, Fannie Ryan

Sex and the Really Small Town.
It's amazing what you will watch on TV when your viewing choices are somewhat limited. I live in staff housing at the facility where I intern, and we receive free cable services, such as they are. I try not to complain too much, but I really miss Lifetime, Home and Garden, The Independent Film Channel, BBC America,etc. Most of our channel selections are what I would call "man channels": USA, ESPN, Fox. So I end up watching shows that I never would have otherwise. This is how I was sucked into the vortex of "Sex and the City". I watched one episode and I was hooked. Now this show doesn't really reflect my values, but itis tremendously entertaining. One night my sister called and asked me what I was doing. "Watching Sex and the City", I said. She made some sort of noise that reflected her disgust and retorted, "Don't you know your IQ drops 4 points every time you watch that?" I told her I just wanted to see what fool thing they do next. And that is the primary attraction; that, and getting to look at "Mr. Big". And sometimes (I know this will sound funny to those who may have read my treatise on Cosmo) , but I find myself a little envious of these women. They never seem to run out of "opportunities" for as Carrie puts it, "mindblowing sex". I am a "nice girl", but that doesn't mean I am averse to a little grubbing in the back seat. Every girl needs a little "sugar" (that's southern talk for passionate kisses).
I had sort of stopped thinking of men in such terms. I have been hurt a lot. But lately, I feel that part of me beginning to wake up again. I am still scared of hurt and rejection, and I am still tired of men not treating me as a person, or writing me off as a potential date because I don't fit their ideal. But maybe it's time to take a risk or two. A friend once told me, "if you don't open your heart, you will never find love". My heart has been closed up for a very long time. I have even met a fellow or two, who if they choose to use it, would discover that they have the key. So I have a decision to make. Do I have the courage to jump off the cliff? Will there be someone to catch me? Maybe even little me could write about "Sex and the Really Small Town". So I don't live in Manhattan, and I couldn't even get my little fat feet in a pair of Mahnolo Blahniks ( I'm not sure I can even spell them!). Who cares! Wish me luck, all you potential Carries and Samanthas, Charlottes and Mirandas! And may we find true love; actually, the whole package. Yeah, right! But let's dream a little! Yours, Fannie Ryan